The Autism Mom and Motherless Daughter

Count down to Kindergarten has already begun to consume every thought in my day.  In exactly 7 months, Daniel will be enrolled in Kindergarten and thus will begin his real struggle for a good education.  In June, he will turn 5. When he first was diagnosed in May 2010, I held on to the belief that he would follow my subconscious timeline of development.  The diagnosis was all new to me and I was still, and am still, learning about what it means to be an autistic person.  Everyday is a different day and despite consistency, I'm always surprised about how a day ends for him. Then I look back to the previous year to see how we, as a family, have changed.  2012 brought about another heartache, 2 in fact.  Chloe was also diagnosed in April with PDD-NOS and in October, after 8 years, I lost my job.  I don't know which blow was worse. So now here I am with a full plate and trying desperately to sort things out.  I'm faced with how to manage a house...

Regressed.  I hate that word. It's dirty, sinful, and heartbreaking. I saw that word today on Daniel's 3 month report from school written by his teacher.  REGRESSED.  I saw it blazing on the page and I couldn't even focus on any other word nor did I fully comprehend anything else. "Daniel has regressed since returning to school in September." ~quote from Teacher I know. I know that. Don't you think I know that. I'm with him all the time. I AM his mother for Pete's sake. Don't you think I know that my son who was doing so beautifully during the summer, vocalizing 4 words, interacting with his peers, eating on his own is now doing NONE of the above? It's so frustrating! I was so hopeful this summer secretly praying that he would continue to flourish and then he wouldn't be so far behind. Maybe he'd try to string together a sentence by the holidays. Foolish of me to think that. I put all my eggs in one basket not realizing that the b...

It's starting again. The sleepless nights, the sudden fits of rage, the screaming. I always talk myself into thinking that Daniel is progressing and in some areas of his development, he does. Then he has his major setbacks and I feel like I'm back at square one. It feels like it happens overnight, he stops verbalizing, he doesn't want to feed himself and the meltdowns come more frequently than I would like. Before the meltdowns felt as if it was a weekly or  biweekly thing. Now it's about three times a day, everyday.  And all the feelings that I have been suppressing for the past few months, are so overwhelming that I feel like my brain is being crushed from the inside out. I worry about that kid so much, much more than I worry about the girls. Sure Chloe is also on the spectrum and she receives therapy and the whole nine yards but I don't worry about her as much. She's like a nonverbal go getter. I feel like nothing will nor will she let it keep her down. But D...

My earliest memory of my dad was when I was in kindergarten.  I was always so fearful of him because he seemed as if he were 7 feet tall, in reality only 5'8". I had gotten my ears pierced without his knowledge and my mom and aunt had to make sure he wouldn't find out.  Thank goodness for long hair.  But of course he found out.  That same day. He had come home from work and in all my excitement to see him, I jumped up to kiss him on the cheek.  And then he saw it. My ears. Pierced!  OLD SCHOOL STYLE!!!!!!  (i.e hot needle and thread.)  What were those two thinking??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????  I don't even think I felt the pain of his ripping the threads out of my ears.  In two quick moves, snatch, snatch.  Needless to say, my mom and aunt got an earful. It was on that day that I knew, my dad was not the one! He was always a family man, but strict and stern.  As his youngest, I was the one he watched the closest.  I ...

Last  night was one of those nights that I went to bed feeling defeated.  I hadn't done that in a long time.  I've grown accustomed to my situation and this world of autism that is still so baffling.  But for some reason, I got set off again. Last month Chloe got diagnosed with PDD-NOS.  It wasn't a shock to me as I watched her developmental milestones like a hawk since birth sensing something would be wrong with her.  Wrong with her? Is that a proper assessment?  But I just hoped that I would be wrong and she would be ok.  Ok meaning normal? Ok meaning not like Daniel? Now I have two kids on the spectrum and it is a lot to handle for me to handle. Me meaning me. The husband is in denial.  Me, who everyone thinks is so great.  I hate to break it to you folks, I'm not that great. So as I laid in bed thinking about my kids, I just cried and cried and cried. So I've come up with a list as to why I HATE AUTISM: 1.  I hate...

When I think of the art of raising children, I think of how hard it is to make sure that on a day to day basis, my children are ok.  But aside from that constant worry is the beauty of my children.  Their quirks, their mishaps and the way they remind me of myself as a child. Quirks are a funny thing. We all have them.  But in the autism world it is called stimming.  " Stimming  is a repetitive body movement, such as hand flapping, that is hypothesized to stimulate one or more senses. The term is shorthand for self- stimulation." Stimming is an action that a child does in order to self soothe.  Daniel's stims range from month to month, so I never know what he'll do next. But I want to mention my quirk or "stim."  My quirk dates back to when I was 12 years old.  And anyone in my family can tell you what it is if they think hard enough.  My mom introduced it to me without her even knowing.  I remember watching her thinking so was cr...

I never thought that being a special needs parent would make me into a better person.  I can't even imagine my life if I weren't one.  I remember seeing parents with special needs children and feeling so sorry for them.  To me, they looked so sad and alone.  But that was foolish thinking. Becoming one has opened my eyes to the world.  It's almost like having an epiphany or seeing the world in night vision goggles.  You put into perspective what your life should look like and who should share it with you.  You learn to rid your life of negativity and people that don't support you.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of judgemental parents out there, even in this autism community.  How does the saying go, "when you meet one child with autism, you've met one child with autism?"  I've said it before, please educate yourself first. I've learned that life is too short to be taken for granted.  I love that I have such wonderful people b...