The Autism Mom and Motherless Daughter

Many of us have to find our own path toward healing that doesn't involve anyone else. Since the way we all grieve is personal to our own story, we have to go our own way to find inner peace. By no means will the grieving period end because your love for that person is real. Grieving IS forever. But yesterday someone who is grieving the loss of her husband told me, "You can't fall apart but you can cry."  And that's what has been happening to me. I have been holding in all of my pain, all of my tears, and not allowing myself to grieve my mother openly. Granted, here, I grieve her. On my social media pages, I grieve her. But when it comes to saying the words out loud and speaking my reality into existence, I cannot find the words. I noticed myself turning to anger and outbursts instead of turning to comfort. I'm definitely not ready to reach out to family and friends, my current situation doesn't allow me to be so raw and vulnerable in person. In that re...

I am reposting a blog post I wrote in November of 2015 when I attended the McCarton Gala that was for the purpose of raising money for its Bronx Early Intervention Center.  Please consider donating to the McMarton Foundation. It is an important cause that is near and dear to my heart. The Bronx is struggling and so are its special needs children. The donation can be as low as $5, no amount is too small. Blog post:   http://autismandthreelittlebears.blogspot.com/2015/11/on-november-19-2015-my-husband-danny.html Thank you to those that have already donated. This is the donation link:  https://www.classy.org/fundraiser/821500

When someone that knows me well asks me how I'm doing, I immediately feel the frog in my throat. I know what they mean when they are asking me that. What they are really asking is, "How are you coping since your mother died?" I don't like to speak about her or think about her too much. Like with most things that upset me, I try to shove her memory way, way down in my heart where my love for her and my missing her won't hurt me as much. That's how I am coping. I can now bring myself to see her picture or watch videos of her but I'm beginning to feel disconnected, like I don't know her. I wonder, "Who was she, really? What is she thinking about in those moments captured by her pictures? In those videos?" In almost everything, she's smiling or laughing just as I will always remember. But that is not my mother anymore. My real mother is gone. I am so tired of crying and the ache in my heart is holding me still. I don't want to be ...

"Grief wasn't done with me. It leaves me when it's done." ~Queen Sugar, TV Show on OWN How raw can grief get when you are ready to say, "enough is enough" and you begin living again? It is so incredibly hard to get to that place. Between the memories and the dreams, I just can't move forward from my grief yet. When I write in my journal to my mother, I always ask her to help me forget her. I know it sounds cruel but the cruelty comes from the cycle of life and death than from the words I write on paper. Do you know how difficult it is to hear your father say to you, "Why did they take my wife?" How am I supposed to help him heal from that? What should my response be? I know his is a rhetorical question but it is a valid one. Why was she taken? We can bring in all the explanations in the world and none of it can satisfy my need to know the answer to the looming question that takes over my mind on a day to day basis and to the thought th...

I hate the playground.  Am I wrong for saying that? I mean, I really do hate it there. Nothing puts an already anxious autism mom over the edge than hearing your child or partner say, "Let's go to the playground." Sure, it is highly recommended because it provides:  Exercise for your child!  Making new friends and socializing!  Helping with the overall performance in school! Fresh air! It's good for the soul! But I hate taking my kids there. My anxiety, which has tripled since the diagnosis, kicks in every time. How many people will there be?  How will the other children react to the kids?  How will the adults react to them? What if one of them has a meltdown? Or both of them? Or all of them? What if I can't control them? What if I lose my cool? Ack! People! Public outings always have a potential for high stress levels for parents. Malls, dining out, movies are on a different level though. You and your children don't necessarily have ...

"It'll get harder before it gets easier." That's what my cousin Lissette said to me about losing my mother. But I wish I knew when it would get easier because so far, easier hasn't even shown a glimmer of itself. Some days I feel like I'm in the same space as the first day I found out my mother was gone. I may not cry as much on the outside but on the inside, I'm rupturing. When I hone in on what I'm feeling, it stings my heart. Here I am 5 months later feeling as heartbroken as that day. I just want to be rid of it already. Some days I wished I wasn't so close to her, that I didn't love her as much as I did. I could move on from not having that loving relationship. I wouldn't miss her. But I went from knowing her every move from the day I was born, and to then not having her around anymore. That reality is unbearable. I always hated being the youngest. I knew the day would come when I'd have to say goodbye to my parents forever a...

Once you become a family woman, some of us tend to put our needs on hold.  It becomes about building a home, being there unconditionally for your partner and taking care of your family. Then the children arrive and we can lose ourselves. Taking care of the home becomes our main priority and then, if we are not careful, we become a shadow of the woman we once were. That part of us can go away so swiftly that she may become just a memory. And as the years pass, the woman of our yesteryear's is gone. We are alone, rundown and we begin to feel unappreciated. When I sit and think about all that my mother did for us, I feel like I should have done more for her. Given her more and realized that as her child, it shouldn't have been all about my needs. But mothers do not lean on their children for strength and guidance. Mothers are the bridges, the chains, the glue that holds everything together. Mothers are the caregivers. We, as mothers, put on a brave face. We, as wives, ...