A Therapist's Advice

The saddest thing my father has told me since my mother died was, "She was waiting for you."

                        Me and my mom in my christening outfit

In March of this year, Danny and I found out that the owner of the house we rented was putting the house up for sale.  And given New York's surging rent prices, it was proving difficult to find a place to live that was suitable for the kids as well as near to their current schools.  When I gave my mother the news, her response to me was, "Move over here."  

That was my mother's solutions for all my financial woes, "Live with us."  But given that services for special needs children are scarce from state to state, my biggest fear was losing their services in New York and the kids being stuck in a school environment that would not address and stimulate their needs.

Little that I know that the choice to move to Florida would be made for me.

We all know losing a mother is tough. All the things that could have been flash before your eyes and reminiscing becomes painful. 

I've gone back and forth with myself in seeking outside help; group counseling, one on one or a therapist to help me grieve properly, whatever that means. But as of right now, I'm not ready. Is there anything wrong with seeking help, no? But in when I was in school, my goal was to be a therapist so I kind of figured out what I'd hear. It would go something like this:

The Therapist:

• "Remember the happy times"

There's too many to count. I was always with my mom and trying to be without her is hard. And while I know that death comes for us all, did it  have to come for her so soon? I feel cheated. I feel like I'm living a sick joke.

                                    Kindergarten Graduation

• "It's okay to cry"

Really? I find that some people become uncomfortable when I begin crying about my mother. It could be that they don't want to upset me but I have a right to cry don't I? And I fight these falling tears all the time even though I know it would do my soul some good.

• Do things that make you happy"

I don't even know what that means anymore. Granted it's all still new, but I know me. I've never been warm and fuzzy anyway so to find true happiness again will be difficult, especially since it was her who helped me find it.

• "Accept help when help is offered"

I am horrible with asking and accepting help. I don't like to be a bother so I'll just keep to myself. I can't even bring myself to call a family member when I am at my worst. 

• "Keep a journal"

Check. I began writing in a journal since her funeral on May 20th.  When I moved here, I stopped writing about her and began writing to her. I vent, I gossip but of course she doesn't answer. But sometimes I ask her to come to me in a dream and eventually she appears. Mind tricks? Who knows. Whatever works enough to allow me to see her will do for now.  

• "And what would you ask your mother if you could speak to her again?"

I would ask her, "Why didn't you stay and wait for me?"