The Autism Mom and Motherless Daughter

Daniel's been having a difficult time lately.  I think the fact that he's non-verbal may be wearing on him.  I can't imagine living in a world that I can't communicate with and that can't understand me.  I see that as he gets older, the more aggressive he's becoming. Yesterday I got a call from his school. He apparently attacked one of his teachers.  His attacks are very sudden and are set off by nothing that anyone is aware.  I'm really not sure what is going on but he's scaring me.  Just this morning, 4:38am, I heard him screaming from his bedroom.  Then he runs into the living room and begins to knock the chairs down.  And when I tried to take him back to his room, he  attacked me.  I know how to handle it, as it is not the first time. When I finally got him to his room, I see that's he's wrecked it.  It's crazy that a little boy has the strength to move his furniture in such anger.  Then the head banging begins. ...

Family.  It's what it's all about, is it not? The love, the trust, the respect, the support.  I love my family. The one I was born into and the one I've created.  But it's not always roses with the one you're born into. I've also been a secret writer.  Technology has given many a voice to reach more people than just the pages of your secret notebook.  It's a gift used by many to heal and to express your feelings. And it is exactly what I and many other bloggers do. I have to be honest, I almost took this blog down as well as my FB page I created for DJ.  Its creation has begun a rift in my family. But then I took a step back and thought about it. What's more important, what you're born into or your creations.  The ladder, of course. I write so that one day DJ and the girls will know that I've always thought of them.  It's not something to bring attention to myself.  It is to bring attention to an issue that affects so many families. ...

About a couple of weeks ago, I went to a speech workshop at DJ's school.  The purpose was to help parents get ideas on how to stimulate speech in the home through everyday tasks and play.  I have to admit, I've been feeling defeated because all that I do is not working.  I also think the workshop made me feel worse. There was a  parent in the audience that was a speech therapist. She's been one for 11 years and similar to me, her son is non-verbal.  She spoke of her difficulties of communicating with her son, of knowing if his needs are being met.  And I thought that if she felt that way, a pro in the field, how am I supposed to feel empowered?  If my 10 plus years in the field of working with children and families were not experience enough for me to get it together.  I cried as she spoke because I haven't met a parent in my same moment, with a non-verbal child.  It's hard to know if you're doing right by them.  A parent works so...

DJ started school this September and I must say, he loves it.  The whole summer I feared that he wouldn't be able to cope without us, without me.  You hear so many horror stories about the bus rides, the school, the teachers and feel, how can I protect him? He can't exactly tell me. I think since he's nonverbal, I worry about him the most.  I asking him how his day went and not getting a response.  Granted, every morning when we say, "time for school", he literally jumps out of bed. That is a clear indicator that things are going well and that he likes it.  But still, I need to know! As far as me, I did have an emotional breakdown this past summer. It came out of nowhere. I worked a summer program which also housed District 75, which is for special education.  I was outside in the playground visiting a class 3 weeks into our program when it happened.  I had seen this specific child before and his teacher, practically everyday. But this time, for me...

Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die. - Amelia Burr When I see my kids, I wonder what will become of their relationship with each other when they are able to make decisions of their own.  Will they continue to be close or will life come in between their relationship?  Life meaning family gossip, in-laws, children.   When you have children, the whole point is to raise them to be better than you.  Foolish mistakes need not be repeated through them.  I have siblings of my own and I can honestly say the relationship between all of us could be better.  When you're in the moment of, "I want nothing to do with so and so," it's easy not to see the bigger picture.  What would happen if tomorrow I got a call with the news that one of my siblings had passed on? My dad lost his sister, Titi Carmen, this past Saturday.  After a long time of not speaking, they reconnected after my grandmother passed on in October '10. ...

Adam Mansbach has written a very candid book on children and sleep, "Go the f**k to sleep."  It's as if he knows me or something. The last time I think that I actually slept was the night before I had Adriana, 2006.  Sleep deprivation is no fun and games.  It's probably one of the things that every being needs in their life. So I, of course, don't get any. DJ does not sleep. I'm not kidding nor am I exaggerating.  He's never really slept through the night and I just chalked it up to a phase. But as we approach his 3rd BDay next week, I fear that I nor him will ever sleep. It started out innocently enough. I would hear him in his room awake and he would eventually fall back asleep hours later.  But as he got older, it all changed. Coupled with his not sleeping came the screaming. I'm not talking about crying either. It's screaming, as loud as his lungs allow.  It's very sad to see your child just screaming for no particular reason. Those I...

When I look back at the last year, May 2010 until the present, I say to myself, "Damn! You're still alive and kicking!" It has been a tough one for me personally, especially with DJ. I'm still trying to figure out how to constantly be a model of what I want him to learn and how I'm dying for him to someday be able to speak to me. I'm more fortunate than most parents with a child with special needs. I know how much he loves me, he's very affectionate and loving. But I wonder how this world is when he's looking out at us. Does he want to be part of our world too? He's had a lot of changes this year too. Several new people were introduced in his life and are working towards getting him to the next level. But he's had a great loss too that I feel affects him still to this day. In February 2008, while I was pregnant with DJ, my abuelo passed away.  Needless to say it was devastating, but it was more so for my abuela. She now had to uproot in l...