Another Child, Another Diagnosis
Last month Chloe got diagnosed with PDD-NOS. It wasn't a shock to me as I watched her developmental milestones like a hawk since birth sensing something would be wrong with her. Wrong with her? Is that a proper assessment? But I just hoped that I would be wrong and she would be ok. Ok meaning normal? Ok meaning not like Daniel?
Now I have two kids on the spectrum and it is a lot to handle for me to handle. Me meaning me. The husband is in denial. Me, who everyone thinks is so great. I hate to break it to you folks, I'm not that great.
So as I laid in bed thinking about my kids, I just cried and cried and cried.
So I've come up with a list as to why I HATE AUTISM:
1. I hate that it has never given my children language. That because of their nonverbal abilities, I am constantly faced with two frustrated children that at times become aggressive towards themselves and others.
2. I hate when I hear, "it's a blessing." Are you kidding? Only people who don't have special needs children would say something dumb like that.
3. I hate that social settings, i.e anywhere that there is people, create frequent meltdowns and lots of tears. The kids' tears and my own.
4. I hate the lack of knowledge people have towards Autism. Don't assume every autistic child is alike. I can testify that they are not. I've got two autistic children now, remember? So before you say, "he/she doesn't look autistic" use google to enlighten you. Then rephrase your statement or just simply ask, "What is autism?" "How does it effect Daniel?" "How does it effect Chloe?"
5. I hate that Daniel has 5 teachers, a social worker, a psychologist, and a neurologist. Chloe has a service coordinator, an ENT doctor and 4 therapists. All wonderful people. I just wished I would've met them under different circumstances.
6. I hate that Adriana has to be so grown up. She's so grown up. She's only 6. She should be enjoying her life not walking on eggshells and making sure she doesn't cause a meltdown.
7. I hate that it's so hard to find a babysitter because they are afraid of Daniel. I don't take it personally though, I understand.
8. I hate that my husband is in denial. Daniel and Chloe are not being defiant. They just don't know how to communicate. They don't know how to be part of this world. Please don't judge my husband. You don't walk in his shoes or mine. It's part of the autism package.
9. I hate that I blame myself for everything. Because deep down, it's my fault.
10. I hate that I have to come to terms that Chloe and Daniel might never marry or have children of their own.