Showing posts from 2012


It's starting again. The sleepless nights, the sudden fits of rage, the screaming. I always talk myself into thinking that Daniel is progressing and in some areas of his development, he does. Then he has his major setbacks and I feel like I'm back at square one. It feels like it happens overnight, he stops verbalizing, he doesn't want to feed himself and the meltdowns come more frequently than I would like. Before the meltdowns felt as if it was a weekly or  biweekly thing. Now it's about three times a day, everyday.  And all the feelings that I have been suppressing for the past few months, are so overwhelming that I feel like my brain is being crushed from the inside out.

I worry about that kid so much, much more than I worry about the girls. Sure Chloe is also on the spectrum and she receives therapy and the whole nine yards but I don't worry about her as much. She's like a nonverbal go getter. I feel like nothing will nor will she let it keep her down.

But Da…

My Pop

My earliest memory of my dad was when I was in kindergarten.  I was always so fearful of him because he seemed as if he were 7 feet tall, in reality only 5'8".

I had gotten my ears pierced without his knowledge and my mom and aunt had to make sure he wouldn't find out.  Thank goodness for long hair.  But of course he found out.  That same day.

He had come home from work and in all my excitement to see him, I jumped up to kiss him on the cheek.  And then he saw it. My ears. Pierced!  OLD SCHOOL STYLE!!!!!!  (i.e hot needle and thread.)  What were those two thinking??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????

 I don't even think I felt the pain of his ripping the threads out of my ears.  In two quick moves, snatch, snatch.  Needless to say, my mom and aunt got an earful. It was on that day that I knew, my dad was not the one!

He was always a family man, but strict and stern.  As his youngest, I was the one he watched the closest.  I had 4 older brothers whom lived at home and their fr…

Another Child, Another Diagnosis

Last  night was one of those nights that I went to bed feeling defeated.  I hadn't done that in a long time.  I've grown accustomed to my situation and this world of autism that is still so baffling.  But for some reason, I got set off again.

Last month Chloe got diagnosed with PDD-NOS.  It wasn't a shock to me as I watched her developmental milestones like a hawk since birth sensing something would be wrong with her.  Wrong with her? Is that a proper assessment?  But I just hoped that I would be wrong and she would be ok.  Ok meaning normal? Ok meaning not like Daniel?

Now I have two kids on the spectrum and it is a lot to handle for me to handle. Me meaning me. The husband is in denial.  Me, who everyone thinks is so great.  I hate to break it to you folks, I'm not that great.

So as I laid in bed thinking about my kids, I just cried and cried and cried.

So I've come up with a list as to why I HATE AUTISM:

1.  I hate that it has never given my children language.…

Quirks. Stims.

When I think of the art of raising children, I think of how hard it is to make sure that on a day to day basis, my children are ok.  But aside from that constant worry is the beauty of my children.  Their quirks, their mishaps and the way they remind me of myself as a child.

Quirks are a funny thing. We all have them.  But in the autism world it is called stimming.

 "Stimming is a repetitive body movement, such as hand flapping, that is hypothesized to stimulate one or more senses. The term is shorthand for self- stimulation."

Stimming is an action that a child does in order to self soothe.  Daniel's stims range from month to month, so I never know what he'll do next.

But I want to mention my quirk or "stim."  My quirk dates back to when I was 12 years old.  And anyone in my family can tell you what it is if they think hard enough.  My mom introduced it to me without her even knowing.  I remember watching her thinking so was crazy.  But there she was, happy…
I never thought that being a special needs parent would make me into a better person.  I can't even imagine my life if I weren't one.  I remember seeing parents with special needs children and feeling so sorry for them.  To me, they looked so sad and alone.  But that was foolish thinking.
Becoming one has opened my eyes to the world.  It's almost like having an epiphany or seeing the world in night vision goggles.  You put into perspective what your life should look like and who should share it with you.  You learn to rid your life of negativity and people that don't support you.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of judgemental parents out there, even in this autism community.  How does the saying go, "when you meet one child with autism, you've met one child with autism?"  I've said it before, please educate yourself first.
I've learned that life is too short to be taken for granted.  I love that I have such wonderful people by my side that understan…
A couple of weeks ago I got Daniel recent IEP. For me, it wasn't good.  At almost 4 years old, he is functioning at a level of a 13 month old.  That means in speech, self help skills and overall physical development.  He's been in school since September 2011 and that's all I got.

It's so difficult to see your child not developing the way he should.  It is completely and utterly heartbreaking.  I think back to when I was pregnant and there were 7 other people I knew that were having sons and were born around the time Daniel would be born.  Those soon to be 4 year olds are all developed 4 year olds.  I don't want to be one of those mothers that longingly looks at my friends' 4 year old sons and wonders what went wrong with me. What did I do wrong during my pregnancy or afterwards to allow my child to be a 13 month old at 4 years old?

I'm so overwhelmed by information on how to help him advance.  There is so much out there ranging from diets, vaccines, therap…
Daniel's been having a difficult time lately.  I think the fact that he's non-verbal may be wearing on him.  I can't imagine living in a world that I can't communicate with and that can't understand me.  I see that as he gets older, the more aggressive he's becoming.

Yesterday I got a call from his school. He apparently attacked one of his teachers.  His attacks are very sudden and are set off by nothing that anyone is aware.  I'm really not sure what is going on but he's scaring me.  Just this morning, 4:38am, I heard him screaming from his bedroom.  Then he runs into the living room and begins to knock the chairs down.  And when I tried to take him back to his room, he  attacked me.  I know how to handle it, as it is not the first time.

When I finally got him to his room, I see that's he's wrecked it.  It's crazy that a little boy has the strength to move his furniture in such anger.  Then the head banging begins.  He tries to bang his h…