Daniel's been having a difficult time lately.  I think the fact that he's non-verbal may be wearing on him.  I can't imagine living in a world that I can't communicate with and that can't understand me.  I see that as he gets older, the more aggressive he's becoming.

Yesterday I got a call from his school. He apparently attacked one of his teachers.  His attacks are very sudden and are set off by nothing that anyone is aware.  I'm really not sure what is going on but he's scaring me.  Just this morning, 4:38am, I heard him screaming from his bedroom.  Then he runs into the living room and begins to knock the chairs down.  And when I tried to take him back to his room, he  attacked me.  I know how to handle it, as it is not the first time.

When I finally got him to his room, I see that's he's wrecked it.  It's crazy that a little boy has the strength to move his furniture in such anger.  Then the head banging begins.  He tries to bang his head on the doorknob.  In all the chaos, I have to remain calm for him. Trying to soothe him is very difficult but eventually he calmed down.

His outbursts are so scary because it's sudden and he tries to hurt himself out of frustration.  I don't know if it's me, the girls or his dad that set him off.  I thought that once he attended school he would excel but the reports aren't good.  They don't know if he's not trying or if he just doesn't want to try.  I feel now the way I felt when he was first diagnosed.  I feel lost and helpless.  I expected more in this stage in the game.  But I get nothing.  The further he goes into his school career, the less help he'll get.  It's so obvious, it's disgusting.

Dealing with a child with special needs is difficult.  But I've surrounded myself with a strong support system because when I'm at my weakest, they are the ones that carry me through.  But how about the teachers that work with your him? What do they care if he ever speaks, if he hurts himself?  In two years he'll be at another school and just a memory.  How am I supposed to know that he's taken care off when I don't even know how his day went? It's not like I can ask him.

A couple weeks ago, I encountered the first of what I'm sure will be many negative comments about Daniel's behavior in public.  A women, someone at the mall, felt it was ok to comment on Daniel's behavior.  If I told you that when I heard her, that I became blinded by rage, that would be an understatement.  It was a blur but I dropped many an expletives to this woman who felt ok in discussing my child within my earshot.  And that's when I knew that this road ahead of us will be long and hard.  

It took me a long time to tell people outside my support system that Daniel is autistic.  It took a longer time for the tears to stop.  If you know what it entails, please keep your comments to yourself.  Or educate yourself.   To the untrained eye, he may look like an unruly child and he may not look like a special needs child but he is one.  And he lives with that everyday.


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