A couple of weeks ago I got Daniel recent IEP. For me, it wasn't good.  At almost 4 years old, he is functioning at a level of a 13 month old.  That means in speech, self help skills and overall physical development.  He's been in school since September 2011 and that's all I got.

It's so difficult to see your child not developing the way he should.  It is completely and utterly heartbreaking.  I think back to when I was pregnant and there were 7 other people I knew that were having sons and were born around the time Daniel would be born.  Those soon to be 4 year olds are all developed 4 year olds.  I don't want to be one of those mothers that longingly looks at my friends' 4 year old sons and wonders what went wrong with me. What did I do wrong during my pregnancy or afterwards to allow my child to be a 13 month old at 4 years old?

I'm so overwhelmed by information on how to help him advance.  There is so much out there ranging from diets, vaccines, therapy etc.  I've turned his room into his own work space and I get nothing out of him.  He just shuts down and refuses to do anything.  On top of that, I have 2 other kids that need my attention too.

It's no secret that once you have a child with autism the likelihood that you may have another one is great.  So present day, I'm in the process of getting Chloe, 18 months, evaluated.  Already 2 evaluations have been done and she has 3 more to go.  And yes, they do see a delay in her.

Do I see what I saw in Daniel in her when he was 18 months? No, I honestly can say that I don't.  But as a mother and a person who's worked in the field of children for the past 15 years, I know she needs help.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a disservice to them by being their mom.  Maybe I'm too selfish in wanting a life of my own by being a working mom when I should be at home raising my kids and helping them reach the level that they should be on.

 I was so spoiled with Adriana because at 18 months she was excelling in all areas of development.  So when I was pregnant with Daniel and Chloe, I'd figured that they would just follow the path of their big sister.  I couldn't be more wrong.

So now as I wait for the rest of the evaluations to be preformed on Chloe, I'll brace myself for the bad news.  For some reason, I do think they will diagnose her with autism as well.  I just hope I'm strong enough to get slapped with that reality.


  1. You are stronger than you realize. While it is a big slap in the face for the years to come you will learn more about yourself than ever before and your greatest teacher will become your children. And remember you did NOTHING wrong. If you ever need to talk, let me know!Keep your chin up!


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