Titi Carmen

Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.
- Amelia Burr

When I see my kids, I wonder what will become of their relationship with each other when they are able to make decisions of their own.  Will they continue to be close or will life come in between their relationship?  Life meaning family gossip, in-laws, children.  

When you have children, the whole point is to raise them to be better than you.  Foolish mistakes need not be repeated through them.  I have siblings of my own and I can honestly say the relationship between all of us could be better.  When you're in the moment of, "I want nothing to do with so and so," it's easy not to see the bigger picture.  What would happen if tomorrow I got a call with the news that one of my siblings had passed on?

My dad lost his sister, Titi Carmen, this past Saturday.  After a long time of not speaking, they reconnected after my grandmother passed on in October '10.  My aunt Carmen wasn't your average women.  I think she lived a life of 1000 men, an extremely eventful life.

To be honest, I am ashamed.  Ashamed that I wasn't a better niece to my Titi Carmen, a better granddaughter, a better sister. I guess death does that to everyone, it brings about guilt.  The only thing for me is that it never goes away.  

Back then, I remember Titi Carmen being around a lot.  It was kind of annoying because she always had something to say to us, a reprimand. Man, it ticked me off!  But of course, now I know why she did it.  The same reason I now exhibit the same actions to my nephews and nieces, it's because I love them.

When I saw her in October, I didn't know what to say.  So much time had passed that I didn't think she cared to know who I was now.  Funny thing was, she thought the same of me.  There I was, 34 years old, married with 3 kids.  Clearly not the same little girl she'd last seen and always called Luisita.  She knew a lot about my boy DJ though, Abuela's baby.  Titi Carmen once told my mom that she'd never known Abuela to be so in love with a child as she was with DJ.  Even when you think your family stops caring, they truly never do.  

I'll miss her. 

R.I.P. Titi Carmen


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