Regressed.

Regressed.  I hate that word. It's dirty, sinful, and heartbreaking. I saw that word today on Daniel's 3 month report from school written by his teacher.  REGRESSED.  I saw it blazing on the page and I couldn't even focus on any other word nor did I fully comprehend anything else.

"Daniel has regressed since returning to school in September." ~quote from Teacher

I know. I know that. Don't you think I know that. I'm with him all the time. I AM his mother for Pete's sake. Don't you think I know that my son who was doing so beautifully during the summer, vocalizing 4 words, interacting with his peers, eating on his own is now doing NONE of the above?

It's so frustrating! I was so hopeful this summer secretly praying that he would continue to flourish and then he wouldn't be so far behind. Maybe he'd try to string together a sentence by the holidays. Foolish of me to think that. I put all my eggs in one basket not realizing that the basket had this HUGE hole in it. I can get so blinded with hopefulness. So naive.

Regressed. Daniel will begin Kindergarten in exactly 9 months.  Do you know how damaging regressing is at this point? On top of looking for schools that will appropriately address his needs, I have to pull myself out of regression's grasp in order to help Daniel improve.  And let me tell you, being in a funk is no fun. You stop pushing yourself to fight for what your child needs and fight your child to continue to push himself.  Then on top of everything else this family is dealing with!

"I don't know how you do it." ~quote from a dear friend

I don't know how I do it either.  I don't know how I WILL do it.  When Daniel was first diagnosed, I didn't see the light at the other end of the tunnel. Then for a brief moment, during this summer, I saw it. And now, poof.

Regressed.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Life Without Grandma

Image
How do you break the news to your children on the autism spectrum that their Grandma has gone to her glory? Daniel When my mother died this past May, I had that question in my mind the entire time. Would Daniel truly understand that his grandmother had died? Would my mother herself visit him in his dreams and tell him she's moved on? Daniel has always been very attached to me. But during his year as a 2nd grader this past school year, he was becoming more independent from me. For us that meant that I could actually leave the house alone without him having a meltdown. I could visit his school without him crying and pulling on me to leave with me once he saw me. But on that horrible day, when he came home from school, he knew something was up with me. Kids like Daniel always get a bad rap. Since he is nonverbal, a lot of people cannot measure how much he truly understands despite my telling them that he understands a lot more than people may think. But what the hell do I
Read more

Another Child, Another Diagnosis

Image
Last  night was one of those nights that I went to bed feeling defeated.  I hadn't done that in a long time.  I've grown accustomed to my situation and this world of autism that is still so baffling.  But for some reason, I got set off again. Last month Chloe got diagnosed with PDD-NOS.  It wasn't a shock to me as I watched her developmental milestones like a hawk since birth sensing something would be wrong with her.  Wrong with her? Is that a proper assessment?  But I just hoped that I would be wrong and she would be ok.  Ok meaning normal? Ok meaning not like Daniel? Now I have two kids on the spectrum and it is a lot to handle for me to handle. Me meaning me. The husband is in denial.  Me, who everyone thinks is so great.  I hate to break it to you folks, I'm not that great. So as I laid in bed thinking about my kids, I just cried and cried and cried. So I've come up with a list as to why I HATE AUTISM: 1.  I hate that it has never given my children la
Read more

Meltdowns

It's starting again. The sleepless nights, the sudden fits of rage, the screaming. I always talk myself into thinking that Daniel is progressing and in some areas of his development, he does. Then he has his major setbacks and I feel like I'm back at square one. It feels like it happens overnight, he stops verbalizing, he doesn't want to feed himself and the meltdowns come more frequently than I would like. Before the meltdowns felt as if it was a weekly or  biweekly thing. Now it's about three times a day, everyday.  And all the feelings that I have been suppressing for the past few months, are so overwhelming that I feel like my brain is being crushed from the inside out. I worry about that kid so much, much more than I worry about the girls. Sure Chloe is also on the spectrum and she receives therapy and the whole nine yards but I don't worry about her as much. She's like a nonverbal go getter. I feel like nothing will nor will she let it keep her down. But D
Read more