A Candid Side of Me

She is my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night.  She visits me in my dreams and is the reason why I drift off during the day.

When I was younger and up until it happened, I always had the fear of one of my parents passing away. Sometimes I would dream of it. When I dreamt it, I'd immediately wake up crying and run to check on them or call them to make sure that they were still here. My mother would say, "!Ay Dios mio! No digas eso!" Now I am living my worst nightmare.

When she first passed I thought of ways to get through it. I had many people extend themselves to me but with a loss this great, no one could save me from my grief. And I could save no one else. I had to save myself. I am still trying to save myself.

I started my journal of her and in reading back in the first few days of her death, I don't know how I am still standing. It has to be her power or her teachings that still have me here because it is most certainly not my own will. I wanted to be with her so bad, I wanted to see her, I wanted to go to her. But life has me anchored here and leaving it now would cause the same pain to my own children that I am feeling now. I don't know about tomorrow but I am here today.

Grieving is a motherfucker. Grief isolates you and it turns your insides into rubble. No one knows what grief will look like from one person to the next. It is personal and it is yours. Will you cry? Will your drown your sorrows in drugs? Alcohol? Will you act as if nothing happened? Business as usual? Will you be in denial? Will you forget those left behind? Will you forget the one that is gone?

Sometimes I think I shouldn't be writing about my grief. Maybe I don't have the right to remember her this way, to remember her publicly.

But I write so that she is not forgotten. And for the time being, when you see my posts, you will remember her too.  I write so that people that never knew her, can know her, can love her almost as much as I loved her. And I write as a tribute to her because of all the women I have known in my life, she has been the most unappreciated in life and in death.

Oh, is that grief talking? Am I jaded much? You bet!

Grief can bring out the best in people that surround you, love you, and that have not yet felt your pain. It brings out the feelings and memories of those that have felt it and they relive it with you and they cry with you.  You are not surprised when family and friends come to your aid showing their support in flowers, cards, phonecalls.  I have even had people I barely spoke to reach out to me, comfort me, send me things in her memory. Generosity that has been immeasurable.

But it also brings out the worst in your "friends". I am not speaking of acquaintances here, I don't expect to be showered with condolences by a person that barely knows me.  And maybe not the worst in "friends" but their emotionally immature side. Perhaps they just don't care enough or the relationship is not what you thought, which is how it comes off. Silence is not golden when someone is grieving. You may feel as if offering mere condolences do not help but it does. To say nothing, do nothing for a person in the most horrific pain just makes it worse.  In the beginning, there is no time for thank yous and replies to Facebook posts so if recognition is what you seek, you are out of luck.  Did that strike are cord? Could it be about you? Maybe. No, yes, it is. It is about you. You people, those people...you suck. Remember this for next time, "I am sorry for your loss." See how easy? Kindness goes a long way even though those that are grieving are not ready to receive it.

I know, I know. I shouldn't even address that "silent" crowd because the ones you matter to overshadow the rest. But it must be acknowledged because it's hurtful. Why would you want to cause someone more grief?

I grapple back and forth of how I am most like my mother. My mother was forgiving, generous, lovely and lovable. I don't think I am any of those things. Forgiveness in not my strong suit. I hold grudges, what can I say.

"I've never seen her like that before! I don't know her! Lois is so nasty now!"  True, you don't know me, not the grieving me. Do we truly know anyone though? I mean, come on. I lost my heart, how am I exactly supposed to be? Sunshine and rainbows? Partay time? No. Sorry, not sorry.

So yes, Lois has left the building. Checked out. No mas. And I don't know when I'll be back but if you're still waiting when I return, I thank you in advance.




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