Stages of Grief

Grief is supposed to come in stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The thought that after five stages I'll be done with my grief and be good to go is so unrealistic to me. These stages come for me within the same day, the same hour, the same minute.  And when I am going through these stages it seems that some other stages should be recognized.


How will your new life be without the one you love? Celebrations and holidays will pass and my mother is not here to celebrate, those are the times when it will be the hardest. Daniel turning 8, Father's Day, her 78th Birthday, Chloe turning 6 and so on and so on. There are so many more celebrations to come for the rest of my days here on this earth. I am dreading the holiday season. She enjoyed celebrating beginning with Halloween. She'd tell me how she would sit outside handing out candy or be ready inside with her bowl waiting for the doorbell to ring. And now what?


So now, in my mind, I am all alone. No one will ever love me the way a mother does. I know I am not alone in this club but it feel like a one woman party. How can someone that passes really leave you? They may not leave your heart and soul but they have left you physically. Obviously we cannot blame someone who is gone but I always ask, "Why are you gone? Why did you have to leave?"


Regret is the one that hits me the hardest. When my parents moved to Florida permanently in 2005, my mother would ask me to come and live here almost every time we spoke. At that time I had a job, Adriana on the way, then Daniel, and then Chloe. It was never a good time to leave and I was afraid to start over in a new place. I missed my parents but I wasn't ready to give up my New York life. 

If I would have just moved here like she wanted, I could have helped her. I could have saved her. I know it in my bones. My mother would still be here.

                          Mom, The Bronx


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