My love and my laughter, from here ever after

"Grief wasn't done with me. It leaves me when it's done."
~Queen Sugar, TV Show on OWN

How raw can grief get when you are ready to say, "enough is enough" and you begin living again?

It is so incredibly hard to get to that place. Between the memories and the dreams, I just can't move forward from my grief yet. When I write in my journal to my mother, I always ask her to help me forget her. I know it sounds cruel but the cruelty comes from the cycle of life and death than from the words I write on paper.

Do you know how difficult it is to hear your father say to you, "Why did they take my wife?" How am I supposed to help him heal from that? What should my response be? I know his is a rhetorical question but it is a valid one. Why was she taken?

We can bring in all the explanations in the world and none of it can satisfy my need to know the answer to the looming question that takes over my mind on a day to day basis and to the thought that...

She wasn't supposed to go yet.

I was ready for her to go in her 90s, like my grandmothers. Not in her 70s when she was living the twilight years with the man she loved since forever. And how do I help him when I can't even process it myself? Who has the worst pain? A partner, a spouse or the child they created?  And what about everyone else? The other people that were vested in loving her and cried the same tears I cried when I lost her. Her grandchildren, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, friends.

She was a powerhouse of unconditional love and she spread it around like butter on a warmed slice of bread. It was good, comforting, and delicious. When it's not your time but life tells you other wise, what is the state that your family is left in? When you go, do you have regrets? Or is it all nullified since you have reached paradise and nothing else matters than the love and light you receive in the Heavens on a daily basis.

She's in good company. Her parents, in-laws, and other extended family is up there already. Did she contemplate not leaving and weighed her living family versus her afterlife family?  Can you even do such a thing?

The other night in my dream, she showed me what her reality would have been had she survived. She would have had her left leg amputated, her left arm paralyzed and she'd be wheel chair bound for the rest of her life. She was so sad in that dream but everyone else around her was so happy. She was still with us! Is it fair that our wants overshadowed her reality? Or was it that I just know that she would not want a life of dependency on anyone.

Death is confusing. Period. You're supposed to learn a lesson from it, but I haven't figured out what my lesson is yet. I have never been happier than to grow closer to old age than I am at this moment.  For me, now, true happiness will be when I get to see my mom again. And I am able to hold her hand like I used to do since I was a girl.


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